Most Dangerous Relationship Mistakes of Career and Take-Charge Women
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by: WishLB
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An in-patient ward for depression and suicide attempts was the last
place 36 year-old “Amber,” a successful financial analyst, expected to
wake up. After what she described as a meltdown, Amber thought she took
enough pills to end forever the pain from a disappointing marriage and
desperate affair. Months of therapy and medication made Amber realize
that she may have been smart about her career but not about love.
Amber
is not alone. Depression, eating disorders, suicide attempts and other
alarming relationship problems such as domestic violence often occur
together. Any one of these areas is a warning sign. However, while
author and psychologist, Dr. LeslieBeth Wish, was studying over 360
women for her next book project, The No-Nonsense Woman’s Guide to Love,
she discovered that some highly capable women, especially ages 22-47,
had problems that put them in greater danger of losing their lives or
making serious relationship mistakes. Amber’s story is a wake up call
for today’s take-charge women.
Mistake #1: Pasts: From Fake Smart Cookies to Real Crumbles
Like
many of the strong, no-nonsense women in the research, Amber came from
a broken and unloving family. She blamed herself for her parents’
divorce and thought if she had been more important, then her critical
father would not have left. Her last memory was his scowling at her for
not getting all A’s. Critical parents and divorced parents can make
even the smartest cookie fear relationship break ups and feel flawed.
The
best relationship advice for women with this background is to recognize
that their families’ words and behaviors are expressions of how the
parents felt about themselves—not about the children. Practice
repeating in the mirror often: “It’s not about me. It’s not true of me.
It’s about them and their problems.”
Mistake #2: Control Freaks: From Talk-the-talk--but Not Walk-the-walk
Because
Amber secretly felt damaged, she experienced small mistakes as mortal
blows. Many capable women strive for perfection and believe control
prevents unhappy endings. They often avoid asking for help because it
activates fears of being controlled or found wrong and weak. In their
careers, they’re proud to be seen as take-charge women. Co-workers
detested Amber’s micro-managing and described her as a person who could
dish it out but not take it. She was a secret fraud who could talk the
talk but not walk the walk.
To lessen the need for
self-protection, build comfort with shortcomings by engaging in
activities where mistakes are inevitable. When Amber took line-dancing
lessons, she discovered that looking foolish was not so bad. Her
confidence allowed her to drop her guard in other areas. Now she could
walk the walk.
Mistake #3: Dangerous Love Flips: From Meek Men to Mean Men
Women
with emotional scars from unloving families often flip back and forth
between men they control or men they over-please. Amber chose an
ineffective husband in the hope that he would be too weak to find fault
with her or leave. When the disappointment in a pliable man becomes too
high, like Amber, many strong women choose a man of charm, status and
power. Too late these take-charge women discover that the man’s sense
of authority turned to authoritarianism and domestic violence. Amber’s
self-worth was so low that she allowed herself to over-value the man
and buckle to his demands and abuse.
Smart relationship advice
is to recognize the hidden danger of dating flips. If a woman has
chosen a good but weak man, she should make a list of the positive
characteristics that made her choose the man in the first place.
Understanding her partner’s family background allows her to develop
non-critical ways of helping him overcome his fears. The goal is to
create a warm emotional environment of mutual aid so they can fall in
love again.
Mistake #4: Seeking affairs: From Grass is Greener on the Other Side to Rotten
Like
some of the capable women, Amber fantasized that having an affair would
prevent her from feeling depressed. At first, it was exciting, but that
high soon gave way to torment. Amber could not risk divorce, and she
held on to her husband as back up in case the affair did not work out.
Smart love does not include affairs. Women should regard
extra-relationship behaviors and thoughts as warning signs and seek
professional help.
Mistake #5: Starving for Love: From Imperfect Self to Perfect Body
The
more unhappy Amber became, the more she relied on misguided ways of
making herself perfect for her lover. Since she over-valued her new
man, Amber believed she had to bolster her under-value of herself by
becoming too thin. Like other women in the study, Amber ate a “prison
diet” of lettuce, celery, water, coffee and a small amount of grain.
The
best solutions are to regard calorie restriction and excessive
exercising as a major warning sign and to ignore friend’s compliments
and photos of supermodels. Women need to accept their body’s natural
limitations and aim instead for their unique healthy weight and body
mass index.
Mistake #6: Emotional Meltdowns and Suicide: From Top of the World to Bottom of the Pit
The
first time Amber’s new man broke up with her, she had a meltdown. She
couldn’t sleep or think and almost got fired when she dropped the ball
on an important career project. She was shocked at her reaction--she
thought she was stronger. The second time her lover broke up with her,
he said it was for good. He found someone else. And that’s when Amber
tried to kill herself. Smart women can end up at the end of their
emotional rope, too, because they underestimate their need for love
from a man.
If Amber had paid attention to her
dissatisfaction, depression and thoughts of suicide, she might have
sought counseling. But many of today’s women are too afraid to face
their sense of shame shock at being so out of control in their lives.
True strong-minded women can avoid this mistake if they respect these
crucial warning signs and seek professional relationship advice. A
Smart Cookie is an Emotionally Brave Cookie.
About the Author
Dr. LeslieBeth Wish, is a noted psychologist and social worker, nationally recognized for her work with women’s careers, relationships, and family. If you would like to participate in the research for this book project or would like her to speak at your event, contact her through her website at www.lovevictory.com or call 941.363.0505.
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